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"The Perfect Excuse"                                 A Ranma 1/2 SPAMfic
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  Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi / Shogakukan * Kitty Film * Fuji TV.
  Exclusively licensed throughout the United States and Canada by Viz
  Communications, Inc.  This fan fiction is for private home use only;
  it may be freely redistributed, but not altered or used for profit.

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Story by Douglas MacDougall            http://www.dougmacd.net/fanworks/
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    They all sat in the television room.  The table was put aside while
Nodoka and Genma faced Ranma and Akane.  Nodoka was wearing a kimono,
kneeling with her legs tucked under her and her hands crossed in her
lap.  Genma sat beside her wearing his normal gi, crossing his arms in
front of his chest.  His face was oddly serious, with his eyes closed
and wearing a frown.

    Ranma's attention was squarely on the sheathed sword that lay
between the two couples.

    "Ranma, your father and I have something very important to discuss
with you."

    The boy took a moment to glance up from the weapon and look at his
mother.  He responded warily, "Yeah?"

    "Almost eleven years ago, you and your father signed a contract for
me.  In the contract, Genma said that he would raise you to be a 'man
amongst men,' and if he should fail, or you were unable to become a true
man, you would both agree to commit seppuku.  Ritual suicide."

    Ranma swallowed.  Looking at his father, he saw a bead of
perspiration drip down the side of the old man's face.

    Akane spoke up beside him, "But Auntie Saotome, Ranma didn't even
sign it!  He was just a kid who put his handprint on it.  He didn't know
what it meant!"

    "Even if he was a babe when he put his mark of the paper, I would
want my son to live up to a contract.  A man meets his obligations, even
if he doesn't fully understand what they are when he made them."

    "M- Mom..."

    "Mrs. Saotome!"

	She gently raised one hand and spoke soothingly, "However, that being
said, I feel that Ranma has met his obligations.  Even in the face of
his... unique problems, he has been the very image of a manly man."

    Akane sighed, and Ranma listened expectantly.

    "I feel that my son no longer needs this contract.  He is a man
already."  She smiled, and Genma nodded sagely.  "I am releasing Ranma
from it;  he need no longer fear having to commit seppuku."  She pulled
a yellowed sheet of paper out of her sleeve and placed it on the floor
in front of her, next to the katana.

    Akane beamed.  "Th- That's wonderful!  Thank you, Auntie Saotome!
Ranma, do you hear that?  You..."  Her words trailed off as she saw the
grave expression on Ranma's face.  "Ranma?"

    He addressed his mother.  "I... don't think you should you should do
that."  He swallowed.

    Genma's eyes snapped open.  "What are you talking about, boy!?"

    "What?  Why not?"  Nodoka was honestly concerned.

    Akane boggled.  "Ranma?!"

    "I mean, you still want me to be a man, right?"

    "Yes, of course."

    "So, if I'm going to be a man, anyway, there's no harm in keeping
the paper."

    Genma yelled, "But the paper is clearly out of date.  I have raised
you to be a man among men, fulfilling my terms of the contract!"  He
slapped the floor.  "Now that you're an adult, I should no longer be
responsible for your actions."  He sweated nervously.  "There's no
reason for ME to commit seppuku if you screw up now, boy!"

    Nodoka said, "To have the threat of death hover over you lessens
your deeds.  You aren't manly out of fear of dying, but because it is
who you are.  The promise to be manly should be one that you keep with
yourself, not with me.  It is not for me to punish you for your
failings."

    "B- But what if I start acting like a girl?"

    "That won't happen, Ranma.  You're--"

    Ranma stood up.  "You don't understand!  You don't know what I've
gone through!"

    Akane, still sitting, looked up at him.  "Ranma?"

    Nodoka matched his upset gaze with one of calmness.  After a moment
she spoke up.  "Be that as it may, I will not have this contract bind
you to the possibility of an untimely death."  She unsheathed the
katana, holding it edge-up in front of her.  She held the contract with
her other hand.

    "Mom!  I NEED that!"

    "Don't listen to the boy, dear.  Destroy the contract!"

    Confused, Akane asked, "Ranma, what's wrong?!"

    Nodoka held the contract just over the edge of the blade.  "Ranma,
You mustn't fear what comes in the future.  I want you to be a man, but
even if you should come to accept your curse, or think of yourself as a
girl, know that in my heart, you will always be my manly son.  I love
you no matter what, and will not see you kill yourself over this."

    She smiled angelically and, with a clean motion, sliced the contract
lengthwise over the razor-sharp blade.

    Ranma tugged at his hair.  "NO!  What are you doing!?"  He scrambled
at the pieces of the contract.  "Get some tape!  Quick!"

    Genma snatched the paper away from him, shredding it into tiny bits.
 "It's over boy.  I'm safe-- (er)  I mean, we're safe, now."

    Akane tugged at the back of Ranma's shirt, trying to get him to
answer her questions.  "What's wrong, Ranma?  Why are you acting this
way?!"

    A bell rang at the front door.  Kasumi spoke up from the kitchen,
"I'll get it!"

    Ranma looked despairingly at Akane, grabbing the collar of her
blouse.  "Akane, you don't know what it's like.  How am I going to stop
them, now?  What if they find out?!"

    "If who finds out what?  What are you talking about, Ranma?"

    "Ranma," Kasumi said sweetly, "There are some guests to see you."

    "Oh, no," he whimpered.

    "Well, who are they, Kasumi?" asked Nodoka.

    "It's Miss Moon and her Sailor Scouts."

    Voices could be heard from down the hall.  "Hee hee!  She called you
MY scouts."  "Shut up, meatball-head, we're here for a reason!"  "Yes,
we need to determine if Pluto was correct."

    "The Sailor Scouts?"  Akane glanced at Ranma, who was currently
huddled behind her, moaning.  "What do they want?"

    Kasumi stepped aside as a crowd of seven girls made their way into
the room.  Just like the stories, they were all wearing white leotard
bodysuits with multicolored skirts, bows, and trim.

    One girl, with a blue skirt and red bows, sat in front of Akane. She
had long blonde hair wrapped into balls on top of her head, and then
dangling down into two loose ponytails.  He smiled, peering over Akane's
shoulder at the boy.  "Ranma?"

    "Go away!"

    "Ranma, a friend of ours said that by this time today, your promise
would no longer hold you."

    Akane blinked.  "Promise?"

    The blonde tilted her head happily.  "So now you can be Sailor
Titania, after all!"

    A tall girl with short sandy-blonde hair smirked.  "Queen of the
Fairies!"

    "No!"  Ranma shook his head.

    A shorter girl with wavy aquamarine hair chided her, "Now be nice,
Uranus.  After all, she's your satellite Scout."  She turned to Ranma,
gestured, and called out, "Deep Submerge!"

    Ranma tried to scramble away, but a surge of water come out of
nowhere and soaked the now-girl.  "I'm NOT going to be a Sailor Scout!"

    The blonde's eyes started glistening.  Akane easily recognized the
signs of mounting tears.  "But why no-ot?"

    A girl with short blue hair said, "What's wrong, Ranma?  The only
reason you could give for why you didn't join before is because your
mother would make you kill yourself if you weren't manly.  Now you don't
have to worry!"

    Another blonde with an orange skirt added, "Yeah, you're a martial
artist, so it's your DUTY to protect others.  Now you can get super
powers and fight for love and justice!  You can help protect the Earth
and Sailor Moon!"

    "NO!"  Scrambling back from where she had been splashed, Ranma
ducked behind Akane again.

    A girl with a red skirt and long black hair quipped, "Are all moon
Scouts emotionally unstable?"

    "Reiiiii!" whined the seated Scout.

    "Sailor Moon!" barked the other.

    The blue-haired girl said, "I don't understand.  You said you'd be
happy to help, if it weren't for the contract.  Now that you're free..."

    Akane was beginning to understand what was going on.  "Rrranma..."

    "You don't understand, Akane!  It's the only thing that would make
them leave me alone!  They wanted me to join them, and they wouldn't
take no for an answer!  They didn't care that I'm really a boy, or that
I didn't want to.  They said it was my duty to become a Scout and help
protect the world!  I finally told them that Mom would kill me if I
wasn't manly.  It was the ONLY excuse they'd accept!"

    "Ranma can't be a Sailor Scout."

    "Wha-?"  Everyone turned to listen to the new voice.  A short
bulbous robot with no mouth spoke up.  "I am Iczel Unit Point Five.
Ranma has already agreed that she would bond with me to protect this
world from the forces of Chaos, were it not for her contract.  Now that
she is no longer bound by it, she can honor our agreement."

    "Ranma!"  A girl wearing a long red cheongsam and massive sword
leapt into the room.  "My mystical senses say you're free from danger--"
She stopped short as she saw the ponytailed blonde.  The new girl
fingered her own brown hair, which was also in two long ponytails.
However, instead of balls, they formed two braided loops on top of her
head.

    She blinked, and looked back at Ranma.  "Uh, yeah...  Anyway, since
you don't have to worry about dying, I brought you your transformation
ring, and iron-on!"  She pulled out a circular fabric yin-yang symbol,
which matched the one on embroidered onto the chest of her own dress.
"It's so YOU!"

    "No no!" Interrupted the blonde, "I brought you a transformation
PEN!  Luna?"

    "Aiieee!"  Ranma clung to Akane's head at the approach of a black
cat.

    "Ho ho ho!"  The TV sparked to life, and a dark-skinned, fair-
haired, exotic beauty literally stepped out of the screen.  "Hai," she
purred in English.  "Are you ready to become a goddess, Ranma-chan?"

    "Hey!  I need a new Mamono Hunter!"

    "Who cares about hunting mamono?  We take care of those AND yoma,"
interrupted a ponytailed sailor scout with a green skirt and pink bows.

	"A goddess takes care of whatever she wants," stated the
bronze-skinned beauty.

    "I NEED another Mamono Hunter!"

    "Sailor Scout!"

    "Goddess!"

    "Iczellion!"

    "Magic Knight!"

    "Attacked Mystification Police officer!"

    "Lovely Angel!"

    "Pink Ranger!"

    "..."

    Ranma whimpered.  Why did his mother have to destroy the contract?
It was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

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Originally posted 10 June 1999.              Last modified 15 June 1999.
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